From Ripping My Bible to Receiving God’s Redemption
“From Ripping My Bible to Receiving God’s Redemption”
🔑 The Return: Rededication and the Road Ahead
Back in 2017, my life wasn’t just a whirlwind—it was a spiritual storm, and I was drowning in it. I had drifted so far from the voice of the Father that I didn’t recognize how lost I truly was. The confusion, pain, and disobedience didn’t come all at once—they crept in gradually, disguised as healing, love, and “freedom.” But what I called love was idolatry. What I called revelation was deception. And what I thought was freedom was actually bondage in disguise.
My relationship with counterfeit#2 was marked by spiritual warfare that cut deep. I was constantly contending for peace but finding none. The more I tried to fix things in the flesh—through striving, controlling, and pretending—the more I unraveled internally. I thought I was hearing from the Holy Spirit, but I wasn’t testing the voices, dreams, or impressions I received. I wasn’t weighing them against the Word or waiting for confirmation. I wanted so desperately for what I saw to be true, that I ignored every red flag God was waving before me.
And that’s where I fell into one of the most dangerous traps—confusing my emotions for God’s voice.
I carried into that marriage not just my hopes but also my unhealed wounds—trauma from childhood and previous relationships, fear of being alone, jealousy masked as passion, disobedience wrapped in religious language, and a need to be “chosen” that drove me to settle for a counterfeit covering. My identity had become entangled with the idea of being someone’s wife rather than being God’s daughter. I was bleeding internally, but instead of reaching for Jesus, I reached for false comfort and temporary fixes.
There was a moment—etched into my memory like a scar—when I collapsed in my prayer closet. I had reached my breaking point. The weight of pretending, the silence of unanswered prayers, the spiritual heaviness in my home—it all pressed down on me until I fell to my knees. I cried. I screamed. I begged God to take the pain away. And in that moment of raw desperation, a voice whispered to me, “Rip your Bible—it’ll make you feel better.” And I did.
I tore the very thing that once brought me life. I thought that by ripping it I’d be releasing all the confusion, anger, betrayal, and grief bottled up inside of me. But all it brought was silence… and shame.
And then the door opened. Counterfeit#2 looked at me—disheveled on the floor, surrounded by torn pages of Scripture—and laughed. That laugh still echoes in my memory. It was the laugh of the enemy himself, mocking my brokenness. And instead of rising in defiance, instead of clinging to God—I let that moment push me further away. I didn’t just tear the Bible. I tore away from hope.
But here’s the beauty of grace: even when I ran from God, He ran toward me. Even when I turned my back, He never turned His.
A few months later, in November 2017, after giving birth to my son, I prayed silently to God about whether I should return to YouTube. Seconds later, a woman I didn’t know walked up to me and delivered a prophetic word straight from heaven: “Follow what God wants you to do.” In a sea of confusion, that word hit me like a lighthouse on a stormy shore. It reminded me that even though I had rerouted my calling to follow my own will—even branding my YouTube channel with the name of a counterfeit relationship—God was still calling me back to what He had ordained.
He was still calling me to follow Him.
In the months that followed, I was spiritually homeless—church hopping, searching for a place to belong, both naturally and spiritually. It was in this wilderness that I stumbled upon the sermon series on David from North Point Community Church. I thought I was just trying to find a good word. But God was sending me a lifeline.
The message “Killer Giant” hit me hard. David’s story wasn’t just inspiring—it was familiar. A man after God’s heart who still made mistakes, who let his emotions lead at times, who fell... but got back up. It was like God was saying, “I’m not done with you. You’re still chosen—even in your mess.”
Over the years, God continued to use David’s journey as a mirror. Not to shame me—but to remind me that mercy is greater than mistakes.
So today, I don’t stand before you ashamed of what I did. I stand testifying of what God did. I ripped the Word in my rebellion, but the Word still came to heal me. I mocked my purpose through disobedience, but God restored it with clarity. I chose a counterfeit, but God re-established me in truth.
I am no longer the woman hiding in shame in her closet—I am a daughter redeemed in the presence of the King.
And I want you to know: even if you’ve run far, even if you’ve torn apart your faith, even if you feel unworthy—God has not torn up His plans for you. His Word still stands. His mercy still flows. His grace is still enough.
🔑 Activation: Return to the Word
This is your invitation to come out of hiding and back into the arms of the Father. Maybe you’ve ripped up your Bible like I did—or maybe your ripping has been more subtle: ignoring the Word, silencing conviction, replacing God’s truth with your own opinions or desires.
Wherever you are, the Father is saying: “Come home.”
Take some quiet time and complete this prophetic heart-check:
Pause & Reflect:
What are the areas in your life where you've leaned on your own understanding (Proverbs 3:5–6)?
Have you confused emotional urges, trauma responses, or outside voices with the Holy Spirit?
Where have you chosen comfort or control over surrender and obedience?
Write It Out:
On one side of a journal page, write a list titled “Torn Pages”—these represent the areas of your life where you’ve turned away from God or mishandled His Word, voice, or instructions.
On the other side, title it “Restored Promises”—write the truths God is reminding you of today. Use Scripture. Declare what He says about your identity, your future, and His faithfulness.
Renew Your Altar:
Physically or symbolically, lay your journal before God as an offering. If led, play worship music and invite the Holy Spirit to minister to the places in your heart that have been ripped, rejected, or confused.
Speak This Aloud:
“God, I give You back every page I’ve torn in rebellion, ignorance, or pain. Rewrite my story. Restore what I ruined. Reignite my hunger for Your Word and Your will. I choose Truth over trauma. I choose Your Spirit over the counterfeit. I return to You.”
🔑 Prayer: From Torn Pages to Testimony
Heavenly Father, You are the Restorer of broken things, the Healer of wounded hearts, and the Author of redemption. Thank You for never giving up on me—even when I gave up on You. Thank You for pursuing me in the dark and calling me back into the light.
Forgive me for the times I ran from Your presence, misunderstood Your voice, or obeyed my own emotions over Your instruction. Forgive me for the moments I gave more weight to a counterfeit covering than to Your truth. I repent, Lord—not only for what I did, but for trying to define myself apart from You.
I surrender every torn page, every broken promise, every word spoken out of turn, and every dream I built outside of Your will. I lay them at Your feet and ask You to restore me.
Breathe life into my dry places. Awaken my spirit again. Align my ears to Your voice, and guard my heart from deception. Teach me to test the spirits and to lean not on my own understanding, but in all my ways acknowledge You, trusting that You will direct my paths.
I declare that I am no longer bound to shame. I am no longer identified by what I tore up or what I walked away from. I am identified by Your grace, and I walk forward today as Your redeemed, restored, and recommissioned child. In Jesus Christ’s powerful name, Amen. Amen. Amen.
